Fast and hard

[beige_alert]

The National Geographic TV channel is showing a program called "America's Port" about the port of Los Angeles. Most recently, we got to see the Coast Guard trying to find a mysterious boater. "Yo! I'm coming in fast and hard!" he transmitted on the radio. Cut to shot of befuddled Coast Guard guys looking at each other. "Fast and hard?" They call back. "What is your location, sir? Where are you coming into fast and hard, sir?" The good news is, he did not respond with something involving a woman's body. They spend some time looking for him, getting various unhelpful responses from him by radio. They kept showing the "Yo! I'm coming in fast and hard!" clip over and over. I kept thinking that surely every woman dreams of hearing something like that from some guy, right? Probably not. Anyway, eventually, they find him, and—surprise!—he's drunk. They tow him back to shore where the port police arrest him for drunken boating. He's apparently had this experience before. He wasn't happy about it, either. The thing is, the coast guard would never have even known he was out there if he hadn't picked up his radio transmitter and started transmitting drunken gibberish. That's pretty much asking for it, really. Sure, I've tried drunkenness myself, and evidently my judgment was impaired—for example, I apparently kept thinking I ought to drink more alcohol—but I didn't get the urge to call up the police and tell them I was drunk and stupid.

Anyway, I keep saying "Yo!" and giggling. You've got to imagine a drunken sort of voice saying it. Someone ought to cut out the sound clips and put them over a heavy drum beat, make a techno remix. Yo! YoYoYoYofastandhard thumpthumpthumpthumpitythump