complicated relationships
Jul. 15th, 2004 06:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beige_alertI always thought that a poly group marriage sounded really complicated, but Joyce has been telling me about the relationship train wrecks that various members of her family have been having while pretending to be monogamous, and now two husbands, a wife, and a wife-in-law seems downright simple by comparison.
Moral of the story: If you are not being monogamous, don’t pretend! (And if you can’t be good, be careful, and if you can’t be careful, try to keep it down to five or six verses.)
Moral of the story: If you are not being monogamous, don’t pretend! (And if you can’t be good, be careful, and if you can’t be careful, try to keep it down to five or six verses.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-15 07:37 pm (UTC)In spite of the strength of that programming, I don't think it's the natural state of humanity at all. Some humans, yes, but only a small minority. And the rest of us suffer terribly for most of our lives.
If I take this any farther, I should do it in my own journal...
no subject
Date: 2004-07-15 09:13 pm (UTC)For one thing, it's difficult enough to keep one major relationship going smoothly, but poly just increases the load. I suppose if you're seeing a number of people in friendly-but-not-major relationships, it's not so bad, but most people over time will tire of that sort of situation and go looking for someone who will be exculsively centered on being there for them. Which sounds like monogamy to me.
In my personal experience, poly either gets busted up into dyads / monogamous relationships or disconnected roomies and pals who are more fuckbuddies than anything else until the other person(s) gets tired of you.
I have know long-term poly relationships, usually some kind of permanently committed threesome. They are vanishingly rare.
The biggest problems in any relationship are lack of honesty, lack of communication, lack of an ability to consider the other person's feeling, and lack of perspective. If these suffer, you're in big trouble in any relationship, and denial and kidding-yourself is a constant companion to such situations, mono or poly. (We won't go into psychodrama...)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-16 06:08 am (UTC)f'er instance, my baby sister (monogamous) is now in hawaii with her (3rd) husband, his 2 daughters, her 2 stepchildren from her 2nd marriage, jessica's fiance (he just asked her to marry him), jed's girlfriend with her son (and she is pregnant), and my 2 nieces...
(and 2 of her three step-daughters are named jessica)
and you can get anything you want at alice's restaraunt (exceptin' alice)....
hell...i'm down to two husbands a wife and a step-wife...and other than that monogamous... (when i was theoretically monogamous i was rarely without a lover or two....i don't have enough energy to have lovers anymore....
mono is not necessarily evil....but it's not for everyone.
and
no subject
Date: 2004-07-16 11:16 am (UTC)As for being a second class citizen -- when I'm given a general invitation to any sort of social activity, I feel slighted by the fact that the invitation is always assuming that I will be bringing my non-existent SO. If I go, I know that I will be there alone, not fitting in with the great majority of people there who are there in couples. I also really notice how politicians in both parties are always talking about how they want to help American *families*. Single adults supporting themselves have problems too, but nobody talks about that. In many workplaces, married workers get significant extra benefits (employer paid health insurance for the spouse/kids, family leave, lots of accomodation from management to deal with family problems).
no subject
Date: 2004-07-16 07:45 pm (UTC)The relationship expectations of the people around me have perhaps been less traditional than average. My mother married a man 20 years older than her (and thus single until he was in his mid-forties), and so does not find it especially odd that I tend to date older women. In college one of my girlfriends joked that since we seemed to be the only heterosexuals in our group of friends maybe we should start a support group for heterosexuals. She openly maintained some erotic contact some of her other friends. A long-time friend and (on and off) lover is in one of those complex poly marriages. I know a few other poly people, and this very small sample seems to have had as much success with their relationships as anyone else. I've been fairly monogamous myself, but, as mentioned above, not all my partners have been, which hasn't been a problem for me. Of all my friends in the not-a-sexual-partner category that I trade hugs and back rubs with, the one I have the most physical contact with is a gay man.
That's all totally average, right?
no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 02:48 pm (UTC)I don't consider that to be the case when you're casually dating someone. I do think that the 'no room in your heart' better apply to someone you're supposed to be committed to.
As to the single=second class situation, I understand your point. But in the case of a family, you're entrusted by the powers that be with a child. You have the responsibility to look after that kid, and take care of them when they're sick, etc. You don't have a lot of choice in the matter. Same thing would apply to you if you were a single dad or guardian. Or if you were taking care of an ill parent. As to social activities, at a certain age, yeah, people make different allowances for *whatever is the norm*. I went to my 20th reunion for high school, and they had a family picnic as part of it. No such thing this year (30th) because the vast majority of the people have grown kids if they have kids at all.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-17 03:28 pm (UTC)