thoughts on hugging
Jun. 24th, 2004 06:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beige_alertI’ve been thinking about writing this for some time. It’s a longish piece about getting used to my affectionate touchy fannish friends.
I did not, in the past, have friends who’d touch me, at least not people who didn’t fall into the sexual-partner category. I suppose our early experiences tend to set our attitudes. Two dear friends I met in high school certainly influenced me. One, a most special, trusted (and adored) friend, who I spent much time with (and much time on the phone with, after graduating), would, if asked, unenthusiastically consent to hug me. I did not ask often. She hugged quickly, as if to minimize the time spent touching me.
The other, who went to the same college I did, hugged me three times over the years we knew each other. Two of those, pleasingly, were her idea. One I remember fondly still, after thirteen years now, was after one of our occasional afternoons together. She always kept very busy, so while we exchanged a lot of e-mail, we had perhaps a day a month together. I had been so bold as to touch her arm earlier in the day and, as we said goodbye, much to my surprise and delight, she hugged me. She was always unwilling to talk about feelings, and I never did determine what, if anything, she meant by it.
It was with this sort of thing in my background that first spoke with Barb Letterman at, if I’m remembering correctly, the 2002 DucKon. She had borrowed a violin and played a bit for us and I was one of many who encouraged her to have her own instrument repaired. I’d seen her at conventions for years, but that was the first time I’d talked with her. Now, Barb hugs everyone, and even I’m observant enough to have noticed that, so it was not terribly surprising that she hugged me, and, in theory at least, I was in favor of that sort of thing. Nonetheless, given my history of best friends reluctant to touch me, it felt very, very, odd to have an extended hug with someone who, essentially, I had just met. I would not say that I was uncomfortable, just that I was having a new experience.
Those of you who know me have probably figured out that I’ve gotten used to it. I am delighted to have met so many wonderful people in the last few years, and doubly delighted to get more hugs and backrubs than I imagined possible.
I did not, in the past, have friends who’d touch me, at least not people who didn’t fall into the sexual-partner category. I suppose our early experiences tend to set our attitudes. Two dear friends I met in high school certainly influenced me. One, a most special, trusted (and adored) friend, who I spent much time with (and much time on the phone with, after graduating), would, if asked, unenthusiastically consent to hug me. I did not ask often. She hugged quickly, as if to minimize the time spent touching me.
The other, who went to the same college I did, hugged me three times over the years we knew each other. Two of those, pleasingly, were her idea. One I remember fondly still, after thirteen years now, was after one of our occasional afternoons together. She always kept very busy, so while we exchanged a lot of e-mail, we had perhaps a day a month together. I had been so bold as to touch her arm earlier in the day and, as we said goodbye, much to my surprise and delight, she hugged me. She was always unwilling to talk about feelings, and I never did determine what, if anything, she meant by it.
It was with this sort of thing in my background that first spoke with Barb Letterman at, if I’m remembering correctly, the 2002 DucKon. She had borrowed a violin and played a bit for us and I was one of many who encouraged her to have her own instrument repaired. I’d seen her at conventions for years, but that was the first time I’d talked with her. Now, Barb hugs everyone, and even I’m observant enough to have noticed that, so it was not terribly surprising that she hugged me, and, in theory at least, I was in favor of that sort of thing. Nonetheless, given my history of best friends reluctant to touch me, it felt very, very, odd to have an extended hug with someone who, essentially, I had just met. I would not say that I was uncomfortable, just that I was having a new experience.
Those of you who know me have probably figured out that I’ve gotten used to it. I am delighted to have met so many wonderful people in the last few years, and doubly delighted to get more hugs and backrubs than I imagined possible.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-25 10:56 am (UTC)Within fandom, the mores are a lot closer to sane and healthy, but I have a lot of trouble getting past the inhibitions that I've built up. I enjoy giving backrubs, but there are only a very few people I know will appreciate them, and it's really hard for me to get past the little voice that says they might not like it to try to touch someone I don't already have a history with. I'm a little less uptight about hugs, but even there, I only initiate with people I'm very comfortable with.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-25 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-26 02:58 pm (UTC)I'm certainly glad we're friends, too.